By Sanders Kennedy
In a world where unconditional love and protection for children should be expected, Reese Barnes and Robert Miller’s stories expose the harsh realities LGBTQ+ youth face in the foster care system, even after a 2012 reform. Both prevailing over abuse and neglect, they illustrate the pressing issues that remain and highlight the need for systemic change to stop abuse in the foster care system.
“It wasn’t my fault,” said Reese Barnes, 31, who was abused by her foster dad as a teen. “It took a long time to understand that.”
Barnes was placed in the foster care system when she was 14. By then, she identified as lesbian. She was part of her high school’s Gay Straight Alliance, had queer friends and was proud to be who she was. But when she went back home, she lived in fear to be who she was.
“He [her foster father] thought he could abuse the gay out of me. I was attracted to girls and that wasn’t gonna change because he wanted it to,” said Barnes, as she stares up to the clouds out front of the LGBTQ+ Center in Manhattan, New York. “I was probably the only kid who couldn’t wait to go to school. I was too ashamed to tell anyone, so I made sure to just look happy all the time so people wouldn’t start asking questions.”
In 2012, the Administration of Children Services created the LGBTQIA+ Youth Action Plan, that safeguards the wellbeing of queer children in foster care. Recently, New York City Council Committees, Women and Gender Equity, and Children and Youth held a hearing to further strengthen the policies in place.
Before policies were created for the LGBTQ+ youth, many children in the foster care system were placed in homes that were not affirming to their queer identity. Some suffered in silence which led them to running away or aging out the foster system with nothing but traumatic experiences.
At 18, Barnes moved in with her girlfriend’s family. Her foster father was aware of where she was but didn’t make any attempt to contact her. The last time Barnes saw her foster dad; he was finishing off a bottle of whiskey.
“I liked when he drank because he would pass out,” said Barnes. “I didn’t have to worry about him starting a fight or touching me. I never thought I would be one of them, the ones that get abused. I wanted to kill him, but I knew I would go to jail.”
More than one out of three youths ages 13-20, in New York City foster care identifies as LGBTQAI+. This is substantially higher than the proportion of LGBTQAI+ youth in the general population, according to reports from ACS.
“What pisses me off is that we are in 2024 and there’s still kids having to deal with mistreatment at these homes,” said Barnes who has adopted 2 children of her own. “They are only taking reports from kids who are 13 and up. What about the younger ones? They don’t think 8-year-olds know when they are being mistreated. My kids know what mistreatment looks like. I try every day to give them the best life.”
Barnes refuses to acknowledge her birth parents. She has created a timeline of her life that helps her mental and emotional health.
“My life started when I was able to love myself,” said Barnes “I pick and choose what I want to be part of the timeline of my life. This part of it [being a mom], is the part I will always remember.”
Robert Miller, 40, was removed from his home and placed in foster care at the age of 7. Miller grew up living in public housing in Brooklyn, NY. His mother would leave for her outpatient drug rehab treatments before he left for school, leaving him to get dressed and make breakfast on his own. When coming home from school, he would often witness his father selling drugs in the lobby of his building. This is what he called a “normal” life.
“I ended up in the foster care system because my dad got arrested for selling drugs and my mom was a coke head,” said Miller “She would have me pee in a cup so she can use it to pass her drug tests. She would tell me if I don’t BCW [Bureau of Child Welfare] would take me away. I made this normal.”
Miller’s grandparents intervened and called the police when they noticed how skinny he was becoming every time they saw him. There were days when he only ate half of his school lunch and brought the rest home for dinner. On the weekends, he would eat snacks for lunch and dinner because his parents neglected to cook for him.
“I had popcorn for dinner a lot of nights. We had food but I didn’t know how to cook. My moms would be passed out on the couch,” said Miller “My grandparents called the cops and that’s when shit started to go down.”
Miller was placed in a foster care home in upstate New York. He never experienced physical abuse, but he never got medical care for his mental health. After several months, he was allowed to make weekly calls to his mom, which later led to supervised visits.
“I was able to see my mom once every few months. It was at some building that all the kids go to visit their parents,” said Miller. “It fucked me up because I was all excited on my way to see her but when it was about time to head back, I would just cry. It hurt but the pain was worth it to see my moms.”
By 10 years old, Miller was slowly coming to understand his sexuality. He would play with his foster sister’s Barbie dolls, which led to him hearing homophobic slurs said around the home by his foster parents.
“I used to play with my foster sisters’ dolls,” said Miller “I had wrestling action figures, but I played with the Barbies too. It was all the same to me. I knew I was different because I heard my foster mom calling me a fag.”
During one visit with his mother, he brought one of his sister’s Barbie dolls with him. When his mother saw it, she started screaming at him, causing a scene at the visiting center. Miller’s mother was strictly religious and didn’t approve of the LGBTQ+ community.
“She [his mom} looked in my book bag and found the doll,” said Miller “She was pissed. She started screaming at me, at my foster parents saying that they are trying to make me gay and that I will go to hell if I played with dolls.”
Miller was 12 when his father died in jail and several months later his mother passed away from a drug overdose. He attended his mother’s funeral but has no clear memory of that day. There are many things he doesn’t remember that happened throughout his life.
“Dissociation is common with children who experience traumatic events,” said Keith Garcia, who is a child therapist. “It can take many years, well into their adulthood to start healing.”
By 2005, Miller aged out of the foster care system leaving him to start his life on his own. Within the first year he became addicted to opioid pills for a short period of time. He was able to get help to put an end to his addiction. He now works with individuals who have aged out of the foster care system.
“I didn’t want to be my mom,” said Miller “I met someone who brought me to rehab and let me stay with them until I got better. Now, I do the same for the kids aging out the system.”